Are you following the #MeToo on Facebook and Twitter? It’s disturbing not only how many women have a Me Too story but how many have more than one. Most have several. Some have so many, they forgot a few. I’m one. I’m scared to publish this but here are a few of my Me Too stories.
Me Too 15
When I was fifteen a man child I was madly in love with wanted me to share some of that love with a friend. Since I was a virgin, what’s a little blow job among friends? Well if you don’t want to do that, just kiss it. What’s a little kiss? My head was held down by my crushfor the next several moments, while his best friend finished himself off in my mouth.
What is frightening to me about this story is when I confronted that man several decades later, his response, was “Oh honey, that’s not how I see it at all. I see it as a wonderful young coming of age story and a sweet gift you gave me.” I see it as rape. Still do. His “memory” has not in any way changed my opinion.
Me Too 38
At 38, I threw a house party. Trusted friends were invited as well as a new guy I had gone on a date with. I got drunk. Really really drunk. Why not? I’m home, safe with my friends. My friends left, so I could be alone and make out with the new guy. Making out was all that was on my agenda. I woke up in my bed, pants removed, bra skewed and that new guy leaning over me saying you must of really enjoyed that. Enjoyed what? If I had passed out all the way through it, would that mean I didn’t like it?
Me Too 42
At 42 I would walk my dog up and down the street as an elderly neighbor lumbered up and down with his walker on wheels. He told me he always has chewing gum for the kids. One day he rang my door bell and asked if he could come in. I didn’t let him in despite his pleas of being lonely so I stood at my door and talked to him for awhile. Before he left he asked for a hug. Instead of putting his arms around me, each hand grabbed a boob and he played with them for awhile, like he was about to juggle them. I was in shock! Later I found out that all the women on my street knew he was a molester and warned women and GIRLS about him. Someone had forgotten to warn me. I told my boyfriend about it and he giggled. Thought the old coot was brave. The boyfriend got a lecture and was told to march out my door and across the street and let the old man know to keep his hands off me.
I have more stories, these are the most horrifying. They aren’t as traumatic as what has happened to some women, but they are worse that what has happened to others. Although, I believe the trauma is whatever a woman says it is.
The truly horrifying thing, in each case, is the men’s reaction. An elderly man that I could clearly over power, felt it was ok to grab my chest. Didn’t think anything of it. The crush felt it was ok, to share my emotions with another man to get his rocks off. And whether I wanted to or not, rocks were going to go off. My date assumed that because I opened my eyes after his raping me that I must have been in some way involved in the act and must have enjoyed it as well. And, my boyfriend was more proud of an old codger’s balls in sexually assaulting me than he was worried that the man was a known molester.
I know why women don’t speak up. It’s not just that we will not be believed. It’s that no one cares. Or we’re not looking at the situation properly. Or we took seriously what was done in fun.
Men have got to be taught and men have got to be punished. They need to know it’s not ok to do these things and they need consequences if they do.
I saw a great quote today, giving advice to men, I’m paraphrasing it a bit. “Don’t say anyting to a woman that you would not want to hear whispered in your ear by a guy in prison.” I would take that one farther and say, don’t DO anything to a woman that you wouldn’t want forcibly done to you in prison by another man.
I think more than just teaching boys and men, there needs to be a full culture shift. Women become the subject of these crimes, instead of the criminal. When a guy shoots up Las Vegas we don’t ask why people go to a show. We ask why did he shoot? Women women are raped, we ask what were you doing, how did you dress, didn’t you protect yourself, instead of who is this rapist and when is his trial?
The problem is that rape culture is every culture. We don’t have a blueprint on how to get rid of it. We don’t have a blueprint on how to live without it. Some cultures it’s actually a man’s right. In our own, it’s a hidden secret. How do we get rid of rape culture? Do we castrate? Do we surgically emasculate? Some might say yes. Do we increase our laws and the punishments. Definitely. Do we talk about it more, teach about it more? Definitely. Will it work? Only if more men become enlightened.
And unfortunately, it will be the women who get it done. Because it’s the women who are suffering from these crimes. One group of women have solved their problem. Men are banned. Sounds like a lovely place to visit, but not sure it’s a cure all for the rest of us.
If you are interested in how some women in Africa solved their rape culture issue, read about Umoja, the village in Kenya where men are banned. Umoja